


you can get used to a certain kind of sadness

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Missing Scene, Multi, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, RELATIONSHIPS ARE TAGGED BECAUSE OF PAST SAPHAEL/CLACE, climon is in this - I'm so sorry, i might've cried writing this, jace and raphael bond over heartbreak, please hug jace and raphael, shadowhunters s2 finale, soft jace, soft raphael, someone smack some sense into clary and simon, taste my sad Michael, this fic has no happy ending because i'm satan, where raphael was when simon was in the sun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 13:38:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10335833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: "How do you move on?" He adds, not entirely wanting to get over Simon.(Don't make me)Jace makes a small broken noise that goes straight to Raphael's heart. Here are two men from different worlds who cannot seem to win at life or love. For all their sins and triumphs, they are the same where it counts."You don't."(Raphael is shrouded in the oppressive shadows and this is how I die, he thinks. Watching him watching her. Loving her. History repeats itself)





	

* * *

  _Did I want love? Did I need to know?_  
_Why does it always it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?_

_(I didn't know what I had that day)_

  _I know that starting over is not what life's about_

  _My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth_

 [(x)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxa9pFwimk)

* * *

 

"The most important lesson I can teach you has been passed down since vampires first came to be."

Simon's eyes glaze over, bored. Raphael grips his shoulder tight, forcing him to listen.

"I'm listening, I'm listening geez. It's just...I got a tune stuck in my head and I'm dying to write it down."

He chuckles at his own joke and Raphael wants to shove him in the sunlight himself. Not really but he could think about it, dammit.

Raphael's jaw works angrily. "If you were to walk outside right now, what would happen?

Simon's face falls, replaced by solemn haunted eyes. He puts his head down and bites his lip.

"I would die but thanks for the reminder."

God help him, the fledgling is breaking his heart. What he wouldn't do to give Simon even a minute under the warmth of the sun without losing him. What he wouldn't do for Simon Lewis - there is no limit.

"Simon," he murmurs, gently massaging the younger vampire's shoulder. 

"Sorry," Simon mumbles.

"I'm trying to keep you alive," Raphael reminds. His heart aches at the thought of watching Simon being reduced to a puff of orange flames. He's just as well join him if it wasn't for the clan needing their leader.

The fledgling's recklessness is catching. 

Simon sniffles and red tears streak down his cheek. It's hard to watch, harder still to resist holding him.

(Raphael cannot)

"Shh it's okay, baby. We'll talk about this another time," he soothes, palm on the back of the fledgling's head and the other curled around a bicep to draw him in closer.

He prays to God, the heavens, every angel listening: 

_Protect him._

* * *

 

Simon Lewis is a halo of light under blue skies and Raphael envies every ray that kisses the jut of his shoulder blades, the crook of his neck where he's ticklish. He does not want that knowledge and yet his brain stubbornly squeezes it like an angry fist. His other half might as well be miles and too many forgotten bloodied kisses away. 

Loving Simon is a fight to the death wherein he is never the victor. 

Clary beams as he spins her round in his arms. They almost resemble an ordinary couple without extraordinary lives and Raphael grinds his teeth. I would've given you that, he thinks.

I would've given you the sun. 

It's terribly cliche but he would've kissed Simon under every sunrise. Would've stayed awake just to witness the beauty of nature, the beauty of bedhead and drowsy brown eyes. 

He's shrouded in the oppressive shadows and this is how I die, he thinks. Watching him watching her. Loving her. 

It's a classic bookend moment. The first time he saved a then mundane Simon Lewis was when he'd pushed him into Clary's world full of bright blessed sunshine. A place where he could not follow. History repeats itself only this time Simon has yet to look back or thank him for the love, the memories, the secrets, the training, the heated kisses. 

 

An unhelpful remnant of a sitcom Simon had forced him to endure resurfaces. 

The main lead's eyes are full of pain and regret, having taken the love of his life for granted. There's a man who's holding her in his arms and it's not him. Raphael had wondered at the time why he couldn't let go of his foolish pride and tell her everything. 

 

-

_'You've got something on your face,'  John Dorian murmurs._

_The other man breaks he and Elliot Reed's kiss._

_"What's that?"_

_John Dorian shrugs helplessly. "It's gone now."_

_Internally, he is dying. 'The love of my life,' he thinks._

Raphael feels a sharp stab of betrayal and pain. It's complicated, loving Simon. 

-

  

"She's happy," clips a voice closer to the door. 

Jace sounds as beaten down as Raphael feels.

A lifetime ago, Clary Fray had weeped on his chest as the love of  _Raphael's_ life was reborn - _for me_  he'd thought at the time. Stupid selfish selfish man. 

His chest feels as though it's cracking open with every uttered sentence, lungs filling up with blood.

"Isabelle wants nothing to do with me," he admits, deterring from painful territory. 

Truthfully it's a welcome relief that he's now free to purge his system of the shadowhunter. If only doing the same when it comes to Simon were that easy. He'd foolishly and honestly gutted himself for the fledgling and feelings he thought he'd forgotten came rushing back.

That's the problem with feelings, they're rude visitors who trek across your heart and crack it with the heel of a boot. 

Jace scoffs, arms crossed and voice cracking. "Man I wishmy problems were that easy." 

Raphael's hands ball into fists as Simon  _laughs_ sunlight into existence. Under its glistening light he no longer resembles a vampire and Raphael is reminded that the universe wouldn't even allow him to keep mundane Simon. 

"He loves her." 

(Not me)

"They chose each other," he continues. 

(Not us) 

-

 

Jace laughs, dry and cynical. "Never stood a chance, huh?" 

It's a blanket statement that allows for interpretation, allows him to feel less exposed. 

Because Raphael is a masochist, he drives the nail harder into both their coffins.

"He smiles when she's around."

(We're fated to lose)

Simon kisses Clary and Raphael wants to be happy, he does. He'd dig deep and locate even a microscopic bit of well wishing for the two but he's bone tired. His body is jittery in response to going off Isabelle's angelic blood cold turkey and he'd lost good men not even 36hrs ago. His entire being is in a constant cycle of grief and a part of him wants to growl and hiss at Simon.

Something along the lines of:  _Come out of the light, idiot. And into my arms. You've been invisible to Fray for so long that you've developed tunnel vision - I'm here. In the shadows, look at me Simon._

 **_Look_ ** _at me._

Or at least demand he mourn their family members. Simon had grown attached to at least two of them. How is he not upset?

**_Grieve_** _them_ _, damn you._

-

 

Jace continues to take in the spectacle. Like the heartbroken man beside of him, he needs to see the extent of damage for himself. Not two months ago, he'd been the center of Clary Fray's universe. 

And now? He's got nothing to offer but emptiness and regret. He'd meant it when he admitted to Simon that he'd willingly die at the young vampire's hand. Death via excessive blood sucking, death via her arms around _him_. Where does one end and the other begin? 

He glances at the elder vampire who has backed himself into a pitch black corner. There was no reason for Santiago return to the institute, knowing he'd be trapped behind stained glass windows until sunset. He'd spoken to Izzy, that checked out. 

Before that, he'd saw to it that Simon was checked over for any additional injuries and given a clean set of clothing. When Simon outright had refused an exam, the clan leader had growled and bared his teeth until the latter surrendered. Only then had Raphael wandered off to locate Izzy. Priorities, Jace thinks. Yeah his are pretty screwed also. 

"I've noticed."

Raphael actually  _flinches._

God, this is bigger than both of them.

 

 

"You love him?"

Raphael is unraveling and in this sterile place, there isn't a soul to catch him. It's for this reason that he confesses.

"What gave me away, shadowhunter?" 

Jace shakes his head and finally turns his back to the couple. He cannot stomach another second of Clary and Simon. If he does, he'll do something stupid like maybe never fall out of love with her. 

"We're _watching_ them, _vampire_. Why else would you be here?"

Straight to the heart of the matter, Raphael can respect his boldness. He'd make a fine leader if the clave ever allowed it.

"I've informed you once, keep up."

"No...you  _lied_ once. I am keeping up, be honest." 

The shadowhunter shifts and props up against the inner wall. He keeps his distance and Raphael really appreciates that. If a nephilim were to witness his tears and pain, he'd hate himself even more than he already does.

 "He's my fledgling. It's my duty to ensure his survival." 

Dios, he can hear his mama's voice in his head, threatening to put soap in his mouth if he lied again. For her, he's truthful and seeks advice.

"How do you move on?" He adds, not entirely wanting to get over Simon.

(Don't make me)

 

Jace makes a small broken noise that goes straight to Raphael's heart. Here are two men from different worlds who cannot seem to win at life or love. For all their sins and triumphs, they are the same where it counts.

"You don't." 

 

 

"That's bad advice," Raphael replies with a forced laugh.

"Came to the wrong guy for help, Santiago. The guy you want? He's hooking up with my Clary. We're sideliners to the main act." 

Raphael's eyes fill up with tears. "You're giving up on her?" 

Even when he'd taken to Isabelle, Simon had been on the forefront of his mind. When he'd told her he hadn't  _felt this way,_ he'd clenched his jaw for half a second before uttering,  _in a long time._ The heart has secrets it will take to the grave and back. 

Jace stares at his feet, back hunched. Here is a man who's taken a beating from every aspect of his world yet he is firmly rooted in place.

"Nah, man. Never." He weighs the risks of asking the same of Raphael. "You?" 

"If I could, I would've by now," the clan leader replies.

"I've never loved-" he starts, clamping up mid sentence when Simon and Clary barrel through, holding hands.

 -

 

 

"Raphael!" Simon exclaims. 

Without thinking it through, he gathers Raphael in his arms and buries his face in the crook of his neck. His skin is sun warmed and Raphael can't help but close his eyes and clutch Simon to his chest protectively. Dios it was hard watching him step into the sun, Raphael's stomach had churned the second his pale skin touched daylight. 

The fledgling draws back enough to excitedly dart his eyes over the planes of Raphael's face.

I can't live without him, the elder vampire thinks. I don't know how to do this. 

Simon smooths down Raphael's lapels out of habit without even realizing he's doing it.

Don't cry.

Don't you dare let him see what this is costing you, Santiago.

Simon bounces on his heels and grabs onto a hand. "Did'you see me?! The sun, Rafe! Come on, I'll show you." 

Raphael gives him a  _Have you lost your mind?_ glare. 

"Some of us have an aversion to sunlight," he says icily. 

Simon's arms are around him, his hand is  _warm_ in Raphael's cool palm and Clary isn't paying them a damn bit of attention. She only has eyes for a distraught transparent Jace. Like Simon, she has thrown herself in the other's arms. 

The heart cries out for  _him._

 

"Crap, that's...um...you won't have to deal with sunburns now? You'll save a lot of money on sunscreen," Simon laughs.

His jokes fall flat.

His arms squeeze Raphael in a vice like grip as if the past two weeks of their bickering and Raphael following him around (to calm himself about Camille's possible return to take him from the clan leader altogether) doesn't exist. As though the rat drinking, encanto'ing Elaine, Simon's eyes on him as he straightened his jacket after Aldertree's attack, and the genuine smiles at the coffeeshop, never happened. 

How easily they fall back into old roles.

"Sure," he agrees blankly. 

 

-

Jace nuzzles into Clary's neck, aching at the smell of strawberry shampoo and the weight of her arms.

"Does he treat you good?" 

He could be clever and play off his pain but how is he supposed to do that when Clary kissing Simon replays behind his lids when he closes his eyes? 

He regrets it immediately, she steps out of his arms. 

"Thank you for what you did back there," she replies, dodging the inquiry. 

"No problem."

Silence stretches between them, heavier than any word. They're not over, Jace can feel it. Her green eyes are wrought with it. 

"I should check on Izzy," she murmurs. 

They linger, staring into each other's eyes - both pretending they've moved on. Isn't that what ex's do? Survive until the door is closed? Until the shower begins to drown out the sound of your own anguish? 

"Yeah." 

His eyes fill up with tears and he can't fucking  _take_ this. He bites the inside of his jaw and stalks away. 

-

 

Tears spill over her cheeks and Simon chooses her for the third time. 

Raphael walks away, leaving them to it.

(Because his back is to Simon, he misses how the younger vampire watches until he disappears)

I love him, Simon thinks, a minute too late. 

~~Don't cry.~~

* * *

 

_Protect him ~~for me~~ ,_

_Clary._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY.
> 
> I blame modest mouse for this pathetic fic made entirely of my own tears (the world at large). it's not a 100% saphael song but it inspired me so listen:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxa9pFwimk
> 
> I don't acknowledge that s2 actually happened so consider this a rare once in a lifetime thing because *I'm* the masochist here - sitting in my sad chair with my sad music, writing sadness.
> 
> ((thatbloodyines I'm on ch2 of your prompt and happiness is right around the corner))


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